At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
