I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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