Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
