I think I won the penis lottery.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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