can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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