FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize