So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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