I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
