new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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