Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
