I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize