I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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