I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
