Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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