I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
