You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so let's talk penis.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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