I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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