I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
