put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
