I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
