this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
