If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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