just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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