shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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