I heard we made out
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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