best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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