Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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