FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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