Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
