I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
