i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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