Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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