The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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