hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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