I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
