There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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