I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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