I am full of burrito and curiosity
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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