I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
