My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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