Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
