My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
did i just pee glitter
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
