my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
