my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Congratulations! We have a period
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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