Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
