You just made me feel so damn special
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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