so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize