I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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