oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
