I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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