one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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