You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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