i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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