the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize