Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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