Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I will die if light touches me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
