I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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