I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can Purell be used as lube?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
