A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
