i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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