I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
